As I’m reading through Love and Loathing, I’ve come across a few sections that made me sit up straight and pay attention – and a few sections that made me distictly uncomfortable.
Page 38 of the booklette says that it’s hard for the non-BDP to move toward the things you really want with any conviction until you take a long look at your fears and what’s been keeping you in this situation.
As I read along, I agree that you teach others how to treat you by what behaviour you will accept – and it’s clear to me that I permitted the fear of setting limits increase the cycle of shame that was building within the family unit. Through this content I was nodding knowingly while patting myself on the back for having lived through the process of setting better boundaries in the relationship, for having ended the cycle of shame and for gaining a good deal of self-dignity through the process.
(As a caviate – I must admit that much of my boundary setting was Passive Agressive, which is less-than-healthy, and was likely a contributing factor in triggering the BD behaviours of my ex.)
Are you a Relationship Addict?
Love and Loathing points out three different kinds of relationship addiction:
The Relationship Addict, the Romance Addict and the Savior.
The relationship addict will dive into relationships based on intuition rather than real shared interests, values, or goals, and they believe they can make others love them through sheer tenacity. In this process they become more controlling, defensive and blaming. Usually, any spiritual awareness becomes meaningless to them or just to exhausting.
The romance addict loves the highs, the candlelight dinners, the romantic cards, the weekend away in the jaccusi suite. (author adds – they likely watch soap operas and read romance novels too)
“Romance addicts do not wast to know their potential mates, they want to look good with them. Romance addiction is mood altering… no matter what romance addicts have, it’s never enough… addicts spend more and more time in the illusions and remove themselves further from their own lives.”
As far as I can tell – I don’t suffer from either one of those addictions, though my BDP ex-wife certainly may.
For my own part – I may be Savior Addicted:
One type of relationship addict are the “Saviors”. These are people who are drawn to people who need fixing – people with massive problems that only the person themselves can fix with professional help.
The Savior believes only they have the power to fix this person’s problems. The Saviors view themselves as the good, compassionate caretaker whose primary concern is always someone else’s needs.
Ok – so I only see a twinge of that within me. I don’t see myself as a fixer – just a nurcherer. My greatest failing is to be passive against injustices and indignities toward me. To that end, it’s been recommended that I read No More Mr Nice Guy for a detailed review of the distructive results of the passive agressive behavior patterns… and I will read it.
But first, the rest of Love and Loathing…
