She recently told me that “it’s not in the best interest of the children if they hear that you miss them” – and that she is “not in agreement” for me to phone my 11 year old daughter and 15 year old son, let alone watch them in their sporting activities or take them out for lunch.

For the past FIVE months, I’ve been trying to talk to the kids and see them.  To date I was able to take them both out for supper together once about four mouths ago – then, after they had been in school for over two months, I was able to manipulate a TEN MINUTE visit with the kids because it was my son’s 15th birthday.

Until now, my ex-wife has strung me along with “not at this time”…  for months and months and months. 

As many of you readers know – there is nothing like the nurturing bond that a parent feels for their children.  After spending nearly five years as the Work-At-Home Father, tending daily to the needs and schedules of the kids – it is entirely gut-wrenching to stand here powerless as my angry and spiteful ex-wife engages in all the painful and destructive behaviours of Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Thankfully – I know the kids are old enough to know in their heart that they love me.  My son gave me a wonderful hug when I saw him on his birthday – and my daughter was all smiles when I noticed she had lost some teeth.  It was a great visit for me… and those ten minutes made me walk on air for days and days!  I even began to think my ex-wife was starting to release some anger and relax a bit… 

But no.  In front of my daughter – I was flatly denied permission for a visit “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” she says.  I asked “Why not?”  She answered “lets just see how things go…”  And she said goodbye and hung up.

And- after about a week and another two phone calls with my ex-wife – she has stated that the only way I’m ever going to get visitation with the kids is if I get the Court to order it – and she says “Good Luck” with a snide tone of voice.

(now if you can - imagine Yosemity Sam with a red face and steam escaping from under his shirt around his neck as he bounces around shooting his guns at the ground, cursing in fury.) 

Until now, I’ve been a good ex-husband.  I’ve said a few choice words, and even quoted a nasty name her second husband called her – but, overall, I’ve been good ex-husband… left her with the house AND the car, plus all the contents of the house – and I’m paying more than double the child support rate that my wage requires as we sort out the separation agreement…  

But - now that I have to go through court to see my kids…

Now I feel that all co-operation should stop. 

What I mean is, if I have to go through court to get rights to see my kids, then she should have to go through court to get rights to child support payments from me.

Ok – I’ve been avoiding writting here over the past while because I’m trying to keep my mind focused on what I want – and not focused on the lack of what I want, and not focused on what I do not want.  When I’m focused on what I want – I sure as hell ain’t workin’ on dealing with this mess of a divorce…  I’m building my career and future.

However – without my kids in my life – at least once a week for lunch or a hot-chocolate – and a couple weekends each year… then I’m really struggling.  I’m struggling in everything. 

New FaceBook Group

My Divorce Lawyer is quick to point out that there are no Template Separation Agreements that he pulls out and gets you to fill in the blanks.  But I imagine that every Family Law Attorney that deals with Separation and Divorce cases will keep copies of all the various Separation Agreements that they have helped other couples to compile. 

Over the span of 5 to 10 years, I believe that they have likely been involved in virtually every major variation of Separation and Divorce situation, including splitting of assets, splitting of debts, child custody and child visitation rights, restraining orders, assualt charges,no fault divorces, and cases with a spouse who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder who aggressively blames the target and engages in distortion campaigns to turn the children against the abused spouse.

Once a lawyer has created such a mass of treasure in various past separation agreements, I think they would create themselves a nice income stream to offer something like a Lego Sample Separation Agreement.  This Lego Box of Separation Agreement Pieces could be a wonderful play-toy for the droves of 40-odd-year-olds who could move the pieces into a range of shapes and combinations to find the one that works best.  This patchwork Sample Separation Agreement could then be taken to your personal Lawyer for review and tweaking – and would save hundreds and possibly thousands of dollars for the divorcing couple, while providing a very nice ongoing income stream for the entreprenurail retired Lawyer.

Now my BDP ex-wife tells me that the kids are ‘uncomfortable’ when I tell them I miss them.  I’m told they are saying ‘now that he’s not living here – it’s just not the same…’, and that the 14 year old is very angry at ME – because of the assault charges that the police layed against her.

The kids have gone from messages of how they love me, and how their mom couldn’t stop them from seeing me - to no communication at all… in under 8 weeks.  And my bi-polar, anger managment issued ex-wife ‘sweetly’ proclaims on the phone that she hasn’t said anything negetive about me to the kids. 

Ya, right.

I’m gathering all the resources I may need over at www.divorce-papers.net and would be grateful for tips on how to divorce!

Just the other day I had to drop by to pick up an item I had borrowed to one of the kids.  Initially I drop up to the house with happy anticipation of a visit with my step-daughter, but the ex-wife opened the door and stepped outside even before I got to the door.  And it didn’t take years of being with her to read her body language from a distance… she was angry.  And within 4, count ‘em, four sentences- my ex-wife had lost it, and was yelling obscenities at me in the driveway.

Now, almost 2 weeks later, we are preparing for a meeting.  This time we have to discuss more difficult issues than picking up an item I loaned… I’m not sure my BDP ex will make it longer than 2 minutes before loss of temper.

This book helps me turn the light on myself, as it were, to see what beliefs and patterns I am responsible for – that most certainly contributed to the emotional cycle that ended my marriage.

I’ll admit, for me it’s far more agreable to read about the damaging effects caused by the negetive emotions and inappropriate anger that accompanies Bi-Polar and BPD.

But, No More Mr. Nice Guy! made a number of issues very difficult for me to shift the blame away from myself, for what you accept – you teach.

So far, No More Mr. Nice Guy! has re-enforced two different books from which I’ve gained great insite; Psycho Cybernetics 2000 and Don’t Bet on the Prince!: How To Have The Man You Want By Betting On Yourself

Psycho Cybernetics emphasizes that you cannot act differently than your self image. Don’t Bet On The Prince technology emphasizes that you should think of yourself as one who creates all of your own happiness.

Page 38 of the booklette says that it’s hard for the non-BDP to move toward the things you really want with any conviction until you take a long look at your fears and what’s been keeping you in this situation.

As I read along, I agree that you teach others how to treat you by what behaviour you will accept – and it’s clear to me that I permitted the fear of setting limits increase the cycle of shame that was building within the family unit.  Through this content I was nodding knowingly while patting myself on the back for having lived through the process of setting better boundaries in the relationship, for having ended the cycle of shame and for gaining a good deal of self-dignity through the process. 

(As a caviate – I must admit that much of my boundary setting was Passive Agressive, which is less-than-healthy, and was likely a contributing factor in triggering the BD behaviours of my ex.)

Are you a Relationship Addict?

Love and Loathing points out three different kinds of relationship addiction:

The Relationship Addict, the Romance Addict and the Savior. 

The relationship addict will dive into relationships based on intuition rather than real shared interests, values, or goals, and they believe they can make others love them through sheer tenacity. In this process they become more controlling, defensive and blaming. Usually, any spiritual awareness becomes meaningless to them or just to exhausting.

The romance addict loves the highs, the candlelight dinners, the romantic cards, the weekend away in the jaccusi suite. (author adds – they likely watch soap operas and read romance novels too)

“Romance addicts do not wast to know their potential mates, they want to look good with them.  Romance addiction is mood altering… no matter what romance addicts have, it’s never enough… addicts spend more and more time in the illusions and remove themselves further from their own lives.”

As far as I can tell – I don’t suffer from either one of those addictions, though my BDP ex-wife certainly may.

For my own part – I may be Savior Addicted:

One type of relationship addict are the “Saviors”.  These are people who are drawn to people who need fixing – people with massive problems that only the person themselves can fix with professional help. 
The Savior believes only they have the power to fix this person’s problems.  The Saviors view themselves as the good, compassionate caretaker whose primary concern is always someone else’s needs.

Ok – so I only see a twinge of that within me.  I don’t see myself as a fixer – just a nurcherer.  My greatest failing is to be passive against injustices and indignities toward me.  To that end, it’s been recommended that I read No More Mr Nice Guy for a detailed review of the distructive results of the passive agressive behavior patterns… and I will read it. 

But first, the rest of Love and Loathing…

It’s only been a few dozen pages of Love and Loathing and I feel like some of the secure pins holding me up have started to spring loose. 

My hammok shutters and lerches.

And I can see that I have been living a pattern that others know well enough to write a book on it.  To my own credit, and my resulting sanity, I spontaniously followed many of the recommended stages and steps to recongnizing the abuse, setting boundaries – and, eventually made good on the threat of ending the relationship.

However, I see that I am indeed clinging to a number of beliefs that bind me still, to that pattern.

To that end, I’m going to expand this blog and reach out to those who are further ahead on the path than I, by joining the Stop Walking On Eggshells Forum. 

…and so off I went, searching the net for the SWOE Forum or Stop Walking on Eggshells Support Group — but I only come up with the Amazon listing info – which, I might add, is extensive and enlightening… but not what I wanted.

But – I’m off to join Forums for Men Who Are Victims of Abuse.

Recenly these books were recommended to me – partly because I’m told that I might be in denial (though I deny that), and so that I might be better prepared for what may occur during a potentially lengthy, nasty and costly divorce process.

Love and loathing: Protecting your mental health and legal rights when your partner has borderline personality disorder

While I can relate in a number of ways to some of the negetive and distructive thinking patterns – I have to say that I started laughing out loud at some of the ways the book, Love and Loathing shines the light on some of the patterns I lived, that I recognized as toxic, and that I will no longer accept into my life:

Divorce Humor – ‘Cause You Just Gotta Laugh About It!

Fun Pattern One.

Break up with the person. Come back when they tell you they will change.  Break up with the person when the behavior starts again.  Come back when they tell you they will really change this time.  Break up with the person when the behavior starts again.  Come back when they tell you they will really really change this time.  Repeat for the next several years.

Funny Pattern Two:

Try to convince them they really have a disorder. Argue endlessly about the fact that they think you’re the sick one.  Repeat this conversation in a variety of ways, places, and circumstances.  See who can get the most people on their side.  Repeat.

And the Funniest Pattern…

When your spouse calls you on the phone, rages, shows up in person and rages, or acts abusive when you are with them, remember that you have no choice but to sit there and take it.  Keep listening. Listen some more no mater how it makes you feel. If it doesn’t make sense, it will soon…. remember, if you set a limit or left you’d only get into more trouble when they accuse you of abandoning them…

ROFL

LMFAO!!

If THESE diddies don’t make you split a side laughing at the shear lunacy - 

Then you just ain’t ready for good Divorce Humor!